I have no idea where to start with this post let alone how to even feel while writing this. I think I have rewrote this first sentence about 5 times because I don't even know to begin. Obviously by the title I'm going to inform everyone of my 4 year struggle with an eating disorder. This post will be quite in depth, graphic, long and very open. I'm giving you an insight on my struggle with bulimia and anorexia and where I am at now. The whole reason I am writing this is because I thought there was no way out that I would be stuck in this daily loop of constantly battling my mind and ruining my body for the peace of mind I never got. I want to reach out to people because lately I have realised that there are so many people and close people may I add that are also struggling or have struggled with the same issue that I have. I have to warn some of these photos are graphic it will show the extent of what I went to just to lose weight. This is not attention seeking in anyway what so ever this post is to simply express my thoughts, opinions and literally just to let everything out and hopefully reach out and help other people.
The first paragraphs are my story and struggle everything that I went through over those 4 years from where it started. It then moves onto recovery a bit further down so if you don't want to read my story as it may be triggering skip straight to the recovery side of things I will be doing a more in depth post on recovery as I don't want this post to be to long although it already is!
WHERE IT BEGAN
So lets begin with where it all started.. gosh I sound like I'm writing a book haha. Anyway so back in 2013 I think I was in 10th grade at high school so 16 at the time, one day something clicked.. I never liked the way I looked I was over weight in my eyes weighing close to around the 70kg mark. I signed up to the gym I was 100 percent committed in going to lose the weight I needed to at this time I really wanted a tattoo and set a goal for myself that if I could lose 10-15kgs that I would reward myself with the tattoo that I wanted. I went to the gym over and over but I guess when you first start out you don't really see any results and I was probably ruining my weight loss by my poor eating and not having a very balanced diet. I remember one day laying on my bed and searching on google about eating disorders I think I tried to restrict myself from eating but it never really worked. The media plays a big part in body image when we are younger that I never grew to realise until I was much older. I started reading things online different forums of people who had eating disorders I found my self looking at all the tips and tricks on how to lose weight the fastest way possible, how to pretty have an eating disorder is what I was after. Now that I'm writing this I just can't believe the extent that I went to and honestly wish that I didn't.
Once reading enough articles and posts I tried purging for the first time, it failed. It's really not as easy as everyone thinks trying to force yourself to be sick. So I left it, at that time I just thought well it won't work I guess not everyone can make themselves do that. Jumping back online I found more threads stating that it takes more then one time for it to become possible. I followed all the steps and eventually it worked for me. It was quite easy at the time to be able to do this after eating as I was home by myself a lot. I can't exactly remember how often I would do it but a few months down the track it became very very frequent so after every single thing I ate I would be straight into the bathroom. When my friends were over and I would eat about 10 minutes later I would be excusing myself to get it out of my body and it's not until I started seeing changes that it became more and more frequent. I dropped about 5kgs if not more within a month of purging all of my food and pretty much starving myself.
It got worse as the weeks went by the weight started dropping and the eating disorder got worse I think this is when my mind starting over powering me with the thoughts of 'look how easy it is to lose weight like this' 'you can eat that but make sure you get rid of it after otherwise the weight will get put straight back on'. My mind controlled me, looking in the mirror controlled me and the number on the scale also controlled me more then I ever knew.
By 11th grade I was down 15-20kgs but I wasn't happy it wasn't enough, by 12th grade I had dropped another 5kgs this is when I started suffering with anorexia I was living off one piece of toast a day I don't know how but I was literally starving myself I lived in fear of food and gaining weight I was obsessed with looking in the mirror or as they body checking I would also take a lot of photos, I would never post them anywhere especially if I was in a bikini because in my eyes I was fat, in everyone elses eyes I was sick but I used these photos to compare my weight loss.
It wasn't until December 2014 when I was in the waiting room at the doctors with my mum because I knew I had a problem, well actually I always knew I had a problem but I could never escape it nor talk about it. I was sick, very sick I needed help everyone around me knew I needed help so I went to do something.. I broke down and told the doctor everything but it was weird I kept saying that I wasn't underweight that I was fine. She asked me to get on the scale and honestly if my mum hadn't of been sitting there then I wouldn't. At 18 years of age I weighed 34.5kgs in 4 years I had lost 35.5 kgs and wanted to keep going I was pretty much starving myself to death. I never wanted to be admitted to hospital for recovery so I said I would do it on my own. In 2015/2016 the weight eventually starting to gain. I went from my lowest weight to around 45-50kgs but the disorder did not get any better the anorexia was gone but the bulimia was back. I maintained that weight for so long because I cut back my purging to only certain meals or if I had overeaten because I hated the feeling of being full. I fluctuated between 45-50kgs for a year and a half.
RECOVERY
It has taken me until 2017 April to finally start my journey of recovery I have tried to recover numerous amounts of times but would always relapse back into it. Eating disorders are powerful, real mental diseases that take over and totally disrupt lives and unless you have experienced having one then you would never understand how hard it really is. My partner has been 100% supportive of me throughout my struggle and telling him plus my mum was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I thought writing this post would be hard but sharing it will be even harder but I need to share my story I need people to know that it does get better there is a way out!!
I am starting to eat proper meals but in much smaller sizes I have caused a lot of harm to my body and digestive system eating disorders can also cause infertility which I am also very very scared about but I have almost been a month free of b/p I can't say I have recovered but I am recovering.
